A new year, a new baby

Well, I'm finally 39 weeks, and 2 days pregnant. I'm still worried, I probably will be forever. I'm anxious to finally meet Kayah's baby brother or sister.

30 Weeks and 5 days.

Today I am 30 weeks and 5 days. I can feel my baby moving, kicking. I know it is alive in there. I make plans about what I will do when I finally meet it- but I'm terrified. I'm terrified that it will not be born. I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy- so many people tell me "it's such a beautiful time". But I'm terrified. Every time it doesn't move, or I feel a twinge of pain- I feel frightened. Like it's happening again, like I'll loose him. Or her. I still cry over Kayah and worry, what if I still miss her when this baby is born? What if this baby feels inadequate, like he can't ever live up to Kayah- she never had a chance to make me angry- but she never had a chance to make me laugh either. I love this baby- but I'm afraid to . I loved Kayah, and she was taken, and it hurt more than I can explain. I don't know how to go on without this fear, without this paranoia- I just can't wait until she's here.

My shower is on Dec. 11. I lost Kayah on Dec. 10. I wonder if anyone remembers.

25 Weeks

Well, I haven't been here in a while. My baby is doing well- I'm 25 weeks pregnant and showing- It really looks like I'll get to meet this one. I can't say too much more, it's too hard- but I'll keep updating. Every day is a good sign.

6 Weeks, 6 Days

So, here I am half way through my second first trimester... I feel this weird sense of calm, it's reassuring and unnerving at the same time. I have an ultrasound and a midwife appointment next week. I hope everything goes as planned. I feel so angry when people say congratulations and act like there will definitely be a baby at the end of this. I thought that last time, and then was made to feel like a fool because I believed it and then I lost my beautiful girl. Everyone acted like it was no big deal, like I shouldn't have "gotten attached so early". I want to have this baby, more than anything in the world.

5 weeks and 3 days

So, I am now in week six of my new pregnancy.
Our friend also just found out that she was pregnant and has announced it on facebook. I feel angry. She keeps saying "I'm having a baby!" and I hope she does have one, but I feel resentful that she expects that a pregnancy means a baby.
I hate being bitter like this.
I can't accept that I'm going to have a baby- because I've seen first hand that pregnancy does not equal baby. I'm sad and terrified and wish I had that naivety again. I wish I had that excited feeling, like I want to shout it from the roof tops. But I don't. I just want to keep it inside. Until I can't anymore. Until I'm showing. Until my baby is born.

Take Two

So,
I just found out that I'm pregnant again- and instead of feeling excited, I'm terrified. I feel like I can't acknowledge this pregnancy because it could be taken away from me at any time. This morning I put my hand on my stomach and cried. I said "Please stay with me. I can't bear to loose another child". How do I get through this???

Thinking...

My husband and I have been having some trouble. He is tired, and stressed, and I can't let go. I can't talk to my parents about how I feel, because they think I'm "dwelling" on this thing. Like it's a thing. Like I just need to move on with my life- but how do I move on with my life when something that I wanted so much is just gone? I'm demoralized. I'm empty- I have this hole, inside me that can only be filled by another baby. But another baby won't come- I try every month, I hold on to the hope that this month will be the one, I'll see two pink lines and this time, the baby will grow and be born on time- instead of too early to live. And now, my husband is feeling worn too thin- like I've used him up. So I can't talk to him about it either. I can't stop these angry feelings I have when I see people with their babies, or their pregnant bellies. When I think about the baby showers that I'm constantly invited to, and although I know the invitations are friendly, I can't help but feel like each one is a slap in the face. I can hear jeering that doesn't exist "you don't deserve a baby", "you are damaged", "something is wrong with you" "your body killed your first baby- and won't host a second one". I want my baby back. But I can't have her. I want a baby to love and to hold and to watch grow. I feel like it just won't happen for me. I don't know what else to do- I don't know how to go on, how to stop feeling like I'm being dragged around by a string- I don't know how to move on the way everyone tells me I should. I want to die sometimes- but I think about the people I'd leave behind, and the pain I feel due to the death of my Kayah, and I think about how sad I'd leave everyone- I can't do that to my family, my friends. I want to feel like me again. When does it happen? when does life begin to get back to normal?